Sick Day

Today was a miserable day. I woke up with light cold symptoms, but felt worn-out and exhausted. I decided to sleep in an hour before heading to work.

After managing to get out of bed, I pulled on my last remaining pair of clean pants and then went down to the kitchen and spilled coffee all over them. I changed into less-dirty clothes, and scared myself by looking in the mirror and seeing a round puffy face, small squinty eyes, and limp stringy hair. When I tried to put my contacts in, my eyes stung so much that I had to give up. I decided that it just wasn't meant for me to go into work that day, and I went downstairs with a blanket and Spanish book.

I spent the day the puttering around, studying Spanish and doing errands. I cooked, went to the bank and did laundry. Still, I felt lonely and sick and also guilty for skipping out of work. In the past, I've managed to make it into the office with worse symptoms, so I asked myself if I truly didn't go in because I lacked the physical and emotional energy, or if the lack of a boss and deadlines was keeping me away.

All my feelings were ingredients ripe for creating depression. To counter them, I thought back to magazine articles I've read giving advice on how to snap out of a bad mood. As I recalled them, I also thought of excuses not to utilize them.

-- Call a friend -Here I don't really have any that I can carry a true conversation with.
--Go for a walk-It's smoggy and dangerous out.
--Exercise--I feel to sick to move.
--Volunteer--This one makes the guilt over not going into work come back.
--Prayer--Well.....One of the reasons that I chose this program is that a want to grow in faith. And there's a chapel in my house. Or rather, I live in a chapel, as the house used to be part of a larger church that was torn down except for the chapel that now has a my house attached to it.

In any event, there's no excuse not to pray so I spent about twenty minutes talking to God with statues of Jesus and Mary next to me, while pedestrians on the street walked past, making the sign of the cross and putting coins in the donation box.

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It makes things a bit better, but I also have to him admit that I'm dwelling on a fight I had with my ex-boyfriend. He wanted to come visit but I thought it might blur the lines of the friendship we're trying to maintain. Feeling lonely, I'm regretting the decision, and I miss the days when we were friends living in the same country and I could call him up when in a bad mood.

There are lots of reasons why things didn't work out between us, but I start listing all the things about me that make me a bad girlfriend. I skirt around from job to job, I like to go out drinking, I'm flaky and get times, directions and addresses mixed up. Mostly, I think of his biggest issue with me--that I'm not driven or passionate.

Family members and co-workers have said the same thing about me--that I have potential but need to find something to be wrapped up in. I wonder if they're right, and that's why I am sitting alone and sad. Surely, if I were really passionate about helping others, then I wouldn't let the sniffles hold me back from going to those in need. So, I decide to compile a list of things that I want (besides clean clothes and hot water) hoping it will spark a passion:

I want to go to the beaches of Greece, the villages of my ancestors in Ireland and to temples in India. I want to work on a kibbutz in Israel and teach English in a prison in America and write about my experiences. I want to go to graduate school and adopt children. I want to be in love and have someone I can always talk to. I want to learn Spanish and French. I want to feel closer to God.

It's not hard to come up with things , but I am waiting for one thing on my wish list to strike me so deeply that I am willing to pursue it all costs because it will bring me happiness. I realize that though I'm very concerned with figuring out what I want, the question I should be asking is, ''God, what do you want from me?''

This is what I hear:

I want you to love people. I want you to be happy. I want you to give of yourself. I want you to feel bad when you need to. I want you to love me. I want you to forgive yourself.

I can't criticize passion, because it's been responsible for great works of art and literature, vital innovations and political systems. But it has also led to war and murder and can cause people to neglect relationships. I think that what God is telling me is that if I wasn't born with an obsessive desire to achieve something, that's it's okay and I shouldn't try to force it. It's enough to love Him and others and when I fail to do that, he wants forgive myself.

We'll see how much better I get.