New Girl

The most handicapped child at the Home of Peace and Joy (where I volunteer) is also the child who is easiest to ignore. Hi name is Jésus Antonio, he is seven years old and his underdeveloped limbs are twisted toward each. He can´t talk or walk and he spends most of day in a crib with a feeding tube attached to him. While the other children are so small and cute that you gravitate toward them, or they are able to verbally demand attention, there is nothing compelling about Jésus except his helplessness.

I hold Jésus when we are in the playroom and is crying but I feel guilty because I don´t often go out of my way to be around him. Once, when I was the only person who noticed his dirty diaper, I tried to change him, but it was so complicated because of the tube and his size that a worker had to take over. For a few days afterwards, I felt depressed about the state of his life. Jésus makes me so uncomfortable and sad that I am able to get caught up in the needs of other children and forget about him.

On the whole, I have come to enjoy working with the children. At times, I am physically and emotionally exhausted by their demands and I get very frustrated by some of the policies in effect at the home. Still, after a few days away , I look forward seeing everyone again. I can count on certain things like taking camera photos with Vickie, holding newborn babies, and laughing at the toddler twins´ attempts to be picked up. (If I am carrying a child besides them, they will lead me toward an empty crib or highchair, gesturing me to put that child aside.) So, when I arrived at the home on Monday I felt disappointed when Sister told me I should start dividing my time between the children and the ¨girls,¨ and she sent me downstairs to work with the older group.

The ¨girls¨are a group of 12 women spanning in ages from 18 to 40, who are severely disabled. Most are wheelchair-bound and can´t speak. While some can walk, a few are even more deformed than Jésus. They spend their days sitting, drooling and occasionally babbling, wailing and laughing. Because they can´t keep their heads straight, their hair is styled in pigtails in order to keep it out of their faces. It is ironic to see grown women wearing multiple brightly- coloured and cartoonishly-decorated ponytail holders in their hair because it´s a look associated with little girls who are able to run around happily.

When I started working with the girls, I felt the same sort of uncertainty as to what to do with them as with the children because in either case they aren´t activities planned for them. It´s easier to know what to do the children because they always need something, while the ¨girls¨ can´t communicate. Additionally, the severity of their problems made me adverse toward reaching out to them in the same manner that I feel about Jésus.

I´ve been working with the ¨girls¨ for three days, and in the mornings I help comb their hair and push their wheelchairs into the sun. Then, I take them on walks and while some of them laugh and giggle while being pushed, it can be very tedious. Since I have been missing the gym, I´ve toward wheelchair walks into my personal work-out as I push and pull the chairs, spin them in circles and run while pushing.

Still, my mind tends to drift and I get somewhat philosophical. I wonder if it´s worth it for them to live lives where they get so little joy and if I am wasting my time by putting so much in to being with them. I try to think of how their lives could be better, but I don´t think even think an abundance of money or people around them could make a huge difference. I also contemplate how God got things so wrong and a world exists where this is the way people live. But then, I have to look at myself and ask why I feel an aversion to those who are most despondent and why I would feel more comfortable without them in the world.

It´s actually too much to think about and I´ve come to the conclusion that I am here to serve, they are the neediest, and therefore I´ll be with them. I understand why the Missionaries of Charity- who devote their lives to helping the neediest- spend so much time in prayer. They need to focus on Jesus and believe a better life exists for the sick, otherwise sadness would overwhelm them.

There are good things about being with the girls. I spend more time in the sunshine and I´ve found that the staff is much friendlier than those who work with the children. Additionally, I am able to read them books (the children don´t have the attention span for it) and even get them to repeat a few words for me. They giggle when I make faces at them and move their stiff limbs.

While I endlessly circled the grounds yesterday pushing wheelchairs, I realized that God is challenging me to give attention to those that I want to ignore. Breaking up my time between both groups should be good for me, and I am looking forward to having another group to look forward to seeing.