In this quote from The Catcher in the Rye, the angst-ridden teen hero of J.D. Salinger´s novel explains what he would do if he could do whatever he wants. Basically, he would like to leave behind the stresses of school, girls, and family life and relax in a field where he would catch children at play.
Over the past week and a half, while I´ve been volunteering with children through the Missionaries of Charity, this quote has come to mind. When holding a baby, I´ll think I´m practically living out Holden Caulfield´s dream as I have few responsibilities, duties or expectations other than to watch out for the child in my arms.
It´s a sweet thought, but then I´ll get jarred out of the moment in a manner such as this--I´m sitting on the floor holding a baby because my back hurts too much for me to stand any longer. Vickie is next to me, playing with my hair, and she pulls out my ponytail holder and stuffs it into her mouth. When I turn to wrestle it back, a girl on the other side of me grabs at my chest and tickles me beneath my armpits. Meanwhile, two twin girls stand at my feet and swat at each other as they battle to sit on my legs. I start scolding them all in English and get frustrated when I realize that they can´t understand me. I am really fed up and just want to leave, and then realize I´m in a room full of crying children who don´t have the option to leave, and I feel incredibly guilty.
It´s been a complicated week. I can´t say that I love being at the home, as I get fed up with the kids and feel left out by not being able to communicate with the adults. Though I often can´t wait too leave (which I do twice a day as the home is closed to volunteers mid-afternoon,) I prolong going as much as it means putting down the baby I´m holding and causing her to bawl. It breaks my heart every time. I miss the kids while away from them, yet often don´t want to be there.
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Weeks ago in training, one of the speakers said that there would be times in mission when we would feel overwhelmed by the misery around us. To cope, she said we should find beauty in the people around us. Like Holen Caulfield, I´ve had the chance to observe people around me and these are some of those who I have encountered:
Paulina and Carmelita are two-year old twin girls with boy haircuts and sad, droopy eyes who make endless appeals for affection. As soon as an anyone enters a room, they cling to that person´s legs until someone scoops them up. Paulina in particular loves to be bounced on my legs and lifted high in the hair. The girls posses no boundaries but have endless curiosity, meaning that the poke at other babies, hit each other in an attempt for attention and pull on the pigtails of visiting children. Around them, I know to put my purse in high places, button the pockets of my pants and seal open containers of cream. Despite the fact that they are trouble makers, I feel for them deeply because they are so eager and and so accepting of love from any source.
Vickie is a six year-old with legs turned inward so that mostly has to walk with her hands. She has no mental handicap and she´s a great help to me. When babies are fussing while being changed, she´ll tell me the particular item or clothing that girl wants. If I ask her the Spanish word for something, she´ll repeat it until I pronounce it right. She spends her mornings with crutches on her legs as she practices walking and she is immune to other children who tug at her and pull her hair.
Rosalita and Billy are two girls who go to kindergarten during the day. Rosalita has a speech impediment and Billy is a little person. When the other babies go down for naps during the day, they stay up dancing along with the older girls. The other day, when I was trying to make funny faces, Billy cracked me up by asking ¨tu popo¨?¨while my face was scrunched like a raisin. Rosalita is particularly sweet, when one of the babies I put down was crying, she stood at the head of the crib and pattied Iris´s head.
Despite the fighting that the girls do and the abandonment that they have experienced, they do watch out for each other, and the older girls are very caring toward the babies. My hope is that the girls mentally capable of making it out of the home will always be like sisters to each other, and will someday be able to look back at the situation they made it through together and feel an incredible bond.
Of course, there is another community of sisters at the home--the nuns make up the order. They all wear simple, sari-like blue and white habits underneath large, green and white checkered aprons and they hail from different places around the world.
Sister Estralla looks anywhere from 30 to 50 to me, and she wears thick glasses and speaks English with a strong Indian accent. She oversees the nursery and comes in and out to make sure everything is running smoothly. She´s always busy doing something, and while the only time she´s ever had for me is to deposit a child into my lap, she shows great love for the kids. Despite her seriousness, she coos at the babies. The twins leave the arms of others to run to her and the highlight of the day another girl cries if Sister is late to take her to afternoon Mass.
While many of the nuns are rather solemn and quiet while attending to duties, Sister Maria is always smiling and she makes it a point to greet me. She is in her early 20´s and she wears black sneakers under her sari and she´ll dance to music playing as she walks out of the room. Once I overheard her listingg reasons why she needed to leave her shirts 10 minutes early to prepare for class (she had to wash her hands, take off her apron, meet up with someone) and she reminded me of a young girl trying to get out of chores. I think of her as the littlestister of the order, providing comic relief and being molded by the older nuns.
¨I am Kate, but here they call me Katerina,¨ a nun from Massachusetts said to me. Sister Katrina has long hair and a round, pale face, and looks and speaks as I imagine a pilgrim would. When she told me where she was from, it took me a few minutes to register that someone who was born a few years before me, a few states above me, could end up choosing a permanent lifestyle so different from my own and act as if she hails from a different time.
In addition to the nuns, many volunteers come in and out of the home, ranging from high-schoolers who must do volunteer work to graduate to retired grandmothers who have made a second career out of visiting the home. Yesterday, one of the older ladies instructed me on how to old a tiny, sick baby so that she would breathe better while I fed her a bottle. A half-hour later, a group of teenage boys in suits were hovering around the crib of a crying toddler and I told them it would be okay pick her up. ¨But how do we hold a baby?¨one asked, and I demonstrated a technique that I have been honing for less than two weeks.
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Like Holden Caulfield, I have always longed for a peaceful life. During a career crisis years ago, my best friend asked me what I would do if I were to win the lottery and money was no object. My answer was supposed to determine what sort of job I should pursue but I didn´t find the question helpful. I said that I would´t do anything and just spend my time traveling and and doing volunteer work. Now, it occurs to me that I am doing exactly what I wanted to be (albeit in solidarity with the poor and very limited funds) and I have to remind myself what I blessing that is. Despite everything else going on around me, I am going to savour those moments when I feel as if I have caught a child in my arms, and hold onto them.
