Identifying as Queer

Over the course of my life, I have missed less than a dozen Sunday Masses and I attended catechism classes for eight years as a child. Some may view this as being ultra-religious, but I can't identify Bible passages and I am not really familiar with Catholic doctrine. Many times, I have gone to Mass more out of a sense of obligation than due to my faith.

However, at the lowest points in my existence I have turned all of my problems over to God. I have also been comforted by familiar prayers, services and views of the Catholic church. While I know that many people in the United States might see me as strange and religiously zealous for becoming a Catholic missionary, I chose to do a religious-based volunteer program because I felt a spiritual void in my life. Since being Catholic has shaped me in different ways, I also wanted to learn more about the Church that I feel drawn to remain a part of.

This week, I attended the VI World Meeting of the Families, a Catholic conference on the values of Christian families. Even before going, I knew I would be out of place there because unlike me, other attendants had been to these sorts of events before and are more involved in the Church than me. I went because it was held near-by, in the business section of Santa Fe, many parish members were going, and because Father got us a big discount on the ticket price.

It was hard for me to follow what was going on due to what was being said and the physical method off communication. The speakers came from all over the world and attendants were given radios from which translations were broad-casted. I spent much of my time trying to find the English station or listening to static transmissions. Even those who spoke in English often had thick accents that made it difficult for me understand them.

I found some of what was said to be moving and thought-provoking such as how abortion and euthanasia allows family members to kill each other and the manner in which abortion is used to get rid of poor and minorities within society. However, there were veiled and outright messages that disturbed me deeply--many speakers spoke out against homosexual unions and marriage and legislation allowing same-sex couples to adopt children.

What they said seemed to stem from Church teaching, but I couldn't understand the reasoning behind it. Some said that homosexual marriages would dis-value traditional marriages. They also said that children are harmed by not having both a male and female role model.

I am not familiar enough with Church teaching and dogma to be able to refute it, so everything I have to say on the subject of homosexuality comes from my heart, observation and some of my college courses. The speakers said that marriage is an act of love between men and women because of the stories of Adam and Eve and Mary and Joseph in the Bible. However, historically, marriage has not always been about love, it has sometimes been about connecting families and extending property rights. It often oppresses women. Still, even if I did believe that God wants sexual unions to occur only between married men and women, I also believe in religious freedom and would be against laws legislating this.

As to whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to adopt children--I've spent much of my time working with abandoned children here and I know there are unwanted ones all over the world. If loving people want to take care of them, it is abhorrent to try to prevent this. I know homosexuals who would make wonderful parents and I know married men and women who have done a lousy job raising their kids.

The conference saddened me because it showed me a part of the Catholic Church that I don't want to be associated with. I have encountered many people who extol wonderful Catholic virtues. I admire Father for allowing a developmentally handicapped man (who would otherwise be homeless) to sleep in the spare space of the parish. I respect the nuns at work who wear thick, rubber black boots beneath their saris as they carry the twisted bodies of handicapped people into the showers to be washed daily. I got a kick out of all the nuns I met in Texas who lead unique lives as war protesters, renowned psychologists and mystics writing poetry in the woods.

I went to Confession during the conference, and afterward I spoke with the priest about how upsetting the speakers were to me. He basically said that while the Church isn't against homosexuality urges or close relationships between people of the same sex, sexual acts between people of the same sex are wrong because God designed men and women to be together. He said that being born a homosexual is to be born with an impediment such as cancer or a short leg, and while they will struggle with it, they can control it.

I replied that homosexuality doesnt have to be viewed as an impediment and speeches like those that I had been hearing were contributing to discrimination. We went back and forth for a while and he didn't make me feel much better. He said that what I was hearing was the end result of church study but because I am a caring, compassionate person, I was seeing the emotion going into the issue. He said that it was okay to question views and that I am doing so because God made me a loving person, and I will probably struggle with this issue for years.

I am not ready to leave the Catholic Church over this, in the same manner that I retain my American citizenship though I despise some government policies. I wouldn't disown family members even if they held views on race which I find bigoted.

However, it makes it even more difficult for me to be here, because I feel like I have lost so many things--material comforts, a social life, contact with friends and family, my ability to communicate, and now my confidence in the Church as a way of promoting harmony.

What remains is my ability to love and my belief that God will carry me through this experience and help me to learn from it. What is growing is my ability to sympathize with those who feel disillusioned and rejected.